


till what end?

by myungung



Category: GOT7
Genre: Adulting, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pining, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-06-18 19:02:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15492591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myungung/pseuds/myungung
Summary: neighbours since 5, Mark and Jinyoung are now strangers after being friends since their formative years. as Jinyoung struggles through the adulting life, he begins rediscovering his harboured crush on Mark, and in turn opens up himself.





	1. part 1

“So, tell me about yourself,” the interviewer asked.

 

“Firstly, as you know, my name is Jinyoung. I’m twenty-five this year. My interests are reading and writing, and sometimes I like taking long walks in the park contemplating about life. I consider myself a cheerful and empathetic person, perhaps that’s why people come to me when they have issues?  Oh, and I’ve been single for all my life. Sad fact, isn’t it.”

 

Jinyoung gulps. _Hmm, not the best of starts_.

 

“I guess I could go on more about myself, but it seems that I’ve been divulging a little too much?”

 

“Yes, that is right, Jinyoung-sshi. Thank you for your time, and we’ll contact you again if you have been shortlisted. Please see yourself out.”

 

Jinyoung hurriedly excused himself out, giving a courteous bow tinged with embarrassment. Yet another failed interview, one due to his own propensity to overshare. Jinyoung frequently wondered about how he could do to best present himself in interviews, to impress the panel. His eomma would always tell him to be less idealistic and more practical, but this was something in him that he could not compromise on. Plus, if he was going to start a career in the publishing or literary world, shouldn’t there be a hint of whimsical quality in the employees? The creative industry, it is all about expression, and if he could not even express himself clearly, then he might as well have been better off as a corporate drone. So, where did he go wrong as a conversationalist that he could not seem to express himself proper?

 

Turning his pensive mood on once again, Jinyoung had indeed been single throughout his life. Evergreen, his friends would always tease him, for nobody had ever sowed their seeds of love with him. Sure, there were crushes from school, like the senior that was too friendly to him, or the occasional eye candy. But Jinyoung himself was always too shy to take a first step, simply sticking to sneaking glances at his target of affection. Being without a love interest did allow him to pursue his other interests, such as his avid love for reading and writing. (Which was also perhaps the reason for his multiple volumes of manuscripts saved in his hard drive, never bound to see the light of the day.) It allowed him to seek introspection within himself and spend meaningful time with family and others, because he was not bound by his responsibility and duty to someone else. Even as his friends had all began to be taken one by one, Jinyoung knew his time would come soon, and that he did not need to rush.

 

On a stroll back home from the subway station, Jinyoung could feel the breeze on his face, take in the scents of blooming flowers, altogether digesting the harmony emanating from the neighbourhood. And the journey back home would also, of course, include the opportunity to take a peek at Mark Tuan.

Mark Tuan, Jinyoung’s neighbour since he moved in at age 5, was just a year older than Jinyoung. Jinyoung was clueless of what Mark was doing with his life now. They used to be close, not exactly best friends, but would often hang out. But currently, the pair had not been on talking terms in years, nor had they acknowledged each other’s presence in a while. And that had to be attributed to Jinyoung, who chose to let his big mouth loose. He had rattled off to his parents, Mark’s parents, and every other soul connected to Mark about his supposed girlfriend, some many years ago. The one that Mark had posted on his blog when he was 16, and had not yet chosen to be public with it. Needless to say, teenage Mark was pissed, and that sparked off the demise of their friendship.

Jinyoung, still harbouring hope that they two would eventually be friends one day, would once again be disappointed each time. Trying to peek across to the next house for Mark’s room, or to glance into the living room for Mark, these were the little actions Jinyoung took when walking pass the Tuan’s home. It had been a long cultivated habit of his, and at age twenty-five, Jinyoung was still persisting with it.

 

Jinyoung needed the sight of Mark Tuan to perk himself up. The inadequate performance of today had taken a toll on him, on his self-esteem. To his wondrous luck, there the fated neighbour was, sitting by the kerb deep in thought.

Of course, Jinyoung was not braced for a Mark moment so up close and sudden. The quickest reaction Jinyoung could come up with was to fiddle with his mobile phone, walking pass the Tuan house as though he was not paying any attention. As expected, Mark did not turn up to look at Jinyoung, the latter glancing from the corner of his eye as he walked past. Jinyoung took one last peek before approaching his front door, closing his daily chapter on seeking Mark Tuan.

 

***

 

“You’re bleeding,” said Mark.

 

The crimson coloured viscous liquid was still flowing like tributaries out from Jinyoung’s knee, but Jinyoung was far too distracted to even realise. He must have grazed himself on the way home against the bushes.

 

“Ah, it’s nothing. I don’t feel any pain anyway. Thanks hyung.”

It was yet again an arduous day, one made up of teases from fellow batchmates and friends about his singlehood, unemployment, or just anything in general to tease him honestly. _Whatever, just need to mind my own business and continue with life._

“Wait here, I’ll get the first aid kit and patch it up for you.”

 

Another evening that Mark had spent sitting on the kerb all alone. An evening of Mark deep in his thoughts, probably recurring again and again. Jinyoung wonders what was going on with Mark’s life, but Jinyoung had his own issues to handle too. Their relationship of what they had now didn't warrant for them both to air their personal affairs, and Jinyoung was not going to poke his business to spoil the détente they had at the moment.

 

“Sit.” Mark orders.

Jinyoung follows like a puppy, allowing Mark to take charge of him. Mark within chummy distance had always been his recurring dream, but now, it was the fruition of dreams into reality. He missed seeing the tousled, low maintenance blonde hair up close, he missed the ability to pick out the blemishes on his face. The scent that permeated his senses was an unfamiliar one, but boy did it enchant Jinyoung.

He was definitely not used to the proximity, the kindness, the warmth. Was this all a dream again? One that Jinyoung constantly indulges in?

 

“Why do you even bother to help me out, even after all my fuck ups?” Jinyoung sliced through the silence with his question.

 

Mark continues dabbing on Jinyoung’s wound, carefully applying the cream. He slowly places the band-aid on, nonchalantly engrossed as though nothing was said earlier on. _Way to go Jinyoung, making things more awkward once again._

 

Jinyoung’s face is a mix of puzzled and gratitude, not knowing why he deserved such kindness from Mark. The neighbour that he once called a friend, the one that he spent his sleeping moments dreaming of. It wasn’t till he feels the force on his wound that Jinyoung is brought back to reality.

“Ouch, that fucking hurts, hyung!” Jinyoung winces in pain, his face switching to irritation.

 

Mark just casually laughs, and leaves Jinyoung to his own devices.

“Good to know you’re fine, I’ll see you around Jinyoung,” and with that, Mark once again retreats into his safe haven.

 

Jinyoung is left contemplating about life on the kerb, about his underserved kindness from Mark. Jinyoung would not consider himself a bad person, but he knows in his heart that he hasn’t been an angel, especially not to Mark. So what was up?

 

This physical wound patched, but the gash in their relationship that had been open for so long, was it on its way to healing?


	2. part 2

Jinyoung fiddles with his phone, scrolling through his social media. He has not seen any of Mark’s posts appearing on his timeline recently. And so, Jinyoung begins his constant stalking of Mark on social media, or what he calls getting an update on his neighbour’s life.  The younger one, of course, is careful with his browsing. Jinyoung sits wound up, taking calculated breaths, all the while preventing himself from ever giving a like or comment.

 

Here he was, ever the shadow. Always hiding from sight. Lurking at an angle. Tracing the social footprints of people was a hobby of his, and not even his friends were spared. To Jinyoung, the way he chose to express his concern was through scouring postings to get a sniff on his friends’ lives. Never did it ever cross his mind to consider asking them personally and directly.

 

He knows it is not a healthy habit. Yet, what could Jinyoung do? Besides his truly treasured friends, Jinyoung was not one to approach people. The many worries cloud his eagerness, as he would be defeated by the flurry of thoughts that would bog down the possibility of taking any first step. The countless what-ifs that permeate. And poof, the consideration to soliciting companions vanish, leaving Jinyoung to stick to his passive behaviours.

 

Even his friendship with Mark (or what used to be), would always involve Mark making the move. Introducing himself the day his family moved in. Asking Jinyoung out to familiarise himself with the neighbourhood and the nearby malls. Burning a disc of his favourite English tunes to get Jinyoung into American pop. Mark could make Jinyoung feel special, just with his little actions. For taking the initiative to strike a friendship. And it worked, hooking Jinyoung in. Into a spiral that he has since been unable to get out of.

 

Jinyoung remembered the many moments that he held dear. Mark’s toothy grin whenever Jinyoung made a blunder. Of constantly being the encouraging elder, finding positives in the smallest details. Affirmation came from Mark, when others in Jinyoung’s life would only chuckle and snigger.

 

There were of course teeny motions that came from Jinyoung. Like the time where MapleStory was the rage, and Jinyoung created an account that constantly tracked where Mark was. Or the fact where his IGN (or handle as they now call it) was so so similar to Mark’s one. Sending paper planes of encouragement during exam periods across the windows. Reading his favourite sections of his novels out loud to Mark. The way Jinyoung framed his appreciation for Mark was an odd one definitely, but to Jinyoung, these were glimpses into what mattered to him.

 

***

 

A buzz. _Who could have been up at this moment to send a text?_ Jinyoung fumbles around his bedside drawer in the darkness, before picking up the rectangular device. It was from Mark. Asking for his availability in the next few weeks.

 

He’s not sure if this was a manifestation through his fuzzy vision. Jinyoung stares at the screen, pondering over his choice of words to key in. 

 

“Sure. How about next week?” he replies.

 

Mark’s reply came instantaneously.  “Great! Then let’s set it on a Wednesday?”

 

“Sound good. See you next week, hyung.” Jinyoung tries to ignore the tingling sensation in him.

 

“See you Jinyoung! ;)”

 “Why are you still up?”

 

The next message came within seconds. _Is this real_ , thought Jinyoung to himself. When was the last since such an exchange? Sure, he was delighted. Yet, there came a certain sense of hesitance. As much as they had once been close, Jinyoung did not think it felt right at this moment. _Because we do not just reconnect over text over a night._

 

Nonetheless, he still continued replying well into the night, tinged with constant caution and restraint. Jinyoung was not used to showing emotions through text, and definitely not towards a familiar stranger. He deliberated over his choice of words, containing himself to sporadic time breaks in between his replies.

 

This all happened on a September night, and Jinyoung knows what September brings. Both his and Mark’s birthdays were in September, separated by just less than 3 weeks. He had always remembered Mark’s birthday, from that failed attempt at a no-bake cheesecake, to the paper cranes he would fold, each written with a heartfelt message, over the years. But ever since they stopped being friends, the tradition had to vanish along with the friendship. The younger was, of course, still aware of the exact date, getting all excited every time that specific day comes. But yet, Jinyoung would only mull over the occasion in his bedroom. Ever glancing into the neighbouring house, for a glimpse of Mark to mouth the two special words.

Only just a few days back, he had sincerely wished for Mark to be happy for his birthday. And beyond.

 

No doubt Jinyoung was utterly looking forward to meeting Mark once again. And to start afresh. To be able to re-establish a connection, what would Jinyoung give to have it. To be Mark’s confidante.

As innocuous as Mark’s tone and messages felt, there harboured a fear in Jinyoung that Mark could have been insincere in their exchanges. That it was all patronising the younger one. The nights leading to Wednesday filled with anticipation and expectations. With fear and worries.

_Should he dress up? Could he be expecting a cake? Did Mark remember his birthday? Would they even be celebrating their birthdays together? What should I get Mark hyung?_

 

Uncertainty was not Jinyoung’s forte. He could not live with the suspense, nor could he stand not knowing what Mark was thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so chapter 2 is up, and once again hope those reading will enjoy it. it'll probably be around 4-6 more chapters I guess


	3. part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the date.

That one Wednesday in September finally arrived, and by then, all the permutations of possible scenarios had been exhausted in Jinyoung’s mind. Scenarios freely popped up in Jinyoung’s mind, heart palpitating at a faster pace whenever he thought about it. Ever the eager beaver, Jinyoung was constantly pacing himself across the house. He had long prepped himself for his night with Mark, fidgeting in the living room and all dolled up an hour before Mark was even supposed to pick him up. But the jitters still continued.

 _How very teenagey, and first date jitters of this particular meal with Mark_ , Jinyoung surmises.

It mirrored the clichés of the many teen flicks Jinyoung used to drown himself in, when he had always pictured himself together with his childhood companion. Could it be replayed in real life tonight? Hands clammy, feet shuffling on the carpet, Jinyoung could only seek out more scenarios to dream off to take his mind off, and to fast forward time. He was way too anxious and prepared, as per usual. But what could he do, this was after all his standard modus operandi.

Six came, with the doorbell signalling the arrival and punctuality of Mark. Springing himself up at the sound of the ding, Jinyoung rushed to answer the door. At that moment, Jinyoung could only think to himself of how amateur he was.

Door opened ajar, yet with only silence as both parties continued looking at each other, all the while avoiding eye contact. He screened Mark up and down. Boy, was this boy a delight for the eyes. It wasn't till Mark let out his signature giggle that things eased between them. He signalled Jinyoung, and off they went.

 

To the mall, Jinyoung suggested. Because he wanted to keep it casual. And if there were any awkward moments, they could always turn to ice cream. Or window shopping. Or even catch a movie to kill time. And that scenario was the last resort, because it would have meant that the silence at dinner was slicing through his ear drums, and into his core. That they needed peace and quiet to cover their silence.

 

Dinner went particularly unassuming, luckily for Jinyoung. Sure, there were silent pauses, but just the usual still that was expected of these two old friends.

Conversations still flowed, each updating the other on their lives, and to catch up on what they’ve missed over the years. It wasn’t exactly sparks inducing or filled with flirty moments, just good old fashioned getting to reconnect. It had been long since Jinyoung felt at ease with someone, to let his guard down and not be wary of any hidden intentions.

 

For Mark, he could not remember when he last had the chance to talk about himself. Working took a toll on his social life, and with meetups or gatherings, it was always focused on how tough his friends’ lives were, while he listened in on to their whines and complaints. Their worries were always more important, more pressing, more urgent. Mark felt good that there came someone willing to listen to him, to be concerned about him, beyond the cursory ‘how are you’ moments.

 

They discussed in length about their hopes and dreams, of how things have changed since they last spoke in depth. Of how their memories of the past still lingered strongly. Of how their appearances haven’t changed much, and only for the better. There was the occasional brushing of arms, the light tapping of hands when either party got animated in their chats. Jinyoung with his crinkes as he laughed, Mark with the hearty laugh. These reactions were hard to fake, and they all came naturally amongst both boys.

 

The pair remained rooted in their seats, conversations taking up all their time post-dinner. They were too engrossed in being updated on each other that they did not see the need to head elsewhere. And only with the mall lights dimming on them, did they feel it was time for the night to end.

Mark had insisted to walk Jinyoung back to his front door, as they did in the past. Goodbyes had to come, the two boys continued taking glances at each other, both trembling in the chill of night. It wasn’t until when Mark started yawning, that Jinyoung took the courage to bid adieu first, rushing into his house, leaving Mark outside alone. Jinyoung’s face flushed at his juvenile action of flight, and boy was he glad Mark was not a witness to the reddening.

 

Mark watched till Jinyoung’s room had lit up, before ambling back to his side of the street. There was a familiar flicker of warmth brewing in him, something buzzing within him. And this was a first in a long time since he felt it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the date's a little short, but I'm kinda awkward at prolonging it. 
> 
> also, markjin's problem is gonna come up soon...


	4. part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung ponders, and overthinks.

Their exchanges continued well after that night, and soon, it was as if the two were never out of each other’s lives before. Jinyoung’s texts now came with emojis, and he began to care less about the effort into phrasing his texts. Their night out had replayed in Jinyoung’s mind each night, Jinyoung savouring the various moments each time. He wanted something to happen, he craved more from their interaction. But he just didn’t know it yet, nor was this desire brought to his consciousness. He vacillated between meanings of each sentence or gesture every time he thought about the night, but one exchange stood out to him.

 

“Do you ever think that, what’s happening to us could very well be the peak of our lives? That we may never amount to what we have planned in our dreams, because this right now is the highest we’ll ever scale?”

 

These two sentences, though said in such deep thoughts, made Jinyoung falter. What did Mark mean? It seemed hard for him to decipher Mark’s true intentions. Was it the insecurity at being uncertain about the future? Or was it a resignation that one comes to term with in adulthood? Did this resignation mean that Mark was trying to settle for less? That Jinyoung was an afterthought, someone that Mark could do with after hitting his peak.

 

Jinyoung was not going to be anyone’s backup plan. Sure, the road ahead may be paved with countless obstacles and indefinite paths, but Jinyoung was never one to let himself settle for anything less. And not be a person that someone could settle for when they would never see themselves rising up.

 

That was it. Reconnecting with Mark was great. Jinyoung was elated even, that he had reconciled with his childhood best friend. But if Mark had a different idea, then perhaps it was best for them both to just stay as neighbours, as friends. Life could still go on, it had to.

 

***

 

“Jinyoung-ah, what are your plans now that you’ve graduated?”

 

“Have you considered moving to the city for good? I heard the job prospects are much better there.”

 

“Do you really want to be stuck living in your hometown for all your life? Or are you staying here because of you know who?”

 

Once again, a gathering with his college friends were a bad idea. They always had a knack for making him doubt himself. And Jinyoung had no way of defending himself against their barrage of judgements. He faked sickness and tiredness to leave the gathering early, abstaining from their alcohol fuelled nights.

 

Back at home, Jinyoung lies on his bed. Perched against the headboard, he peruses social media, looking at his friends in their merry making evidence. The pictures and videos presented such a harmonious and joyous time. Yet, all Jinyoung felt during those gatherings was him being stifled, gasping for a break from them. But he had to keep with social obligations to meet them, especially when “face” was concerned. He could find a use for their contacts in the future too, with many of them gearing to work in big firms.

 

_I should close the app, looking at all these will only make it worse._ Jinyoung thinks to himself. In the midst of all his thoughts, he had already finished scrolling today’s updates on SNS.

 

His hands still grabbing the phone close, Jinyoung ponders. His insecurities were all on full display today.

 

“Mark-hyung, you there?” Jinyoung begins typing.

 

“Yup, what’s up Jinyoung-ah?”

 

“Nothing much, been thinking too much recently. And I came to some conclusions.” Jinyoung continues, hoping Mark would ask more.

 

“I see, glad that you’ve had a conclusion. Don’t stay up too late thinking alright?” Mark’s replies seemingly devoid of curiosity.

 

Jinyoung continues staring at the message, trying to decipher. Did Mark not want to know what was Jinyoung thinking? Perhaps it was really true, that this reconciliation was an easy way out, a backup plan.

 

_Mark-hyung could be anymore indifferent. I guess that I truly am an easy one to settle with._

 

Feeling a piercing hollow into his chest, Jinyoung gives in to his pain. That after all these years, he was still no one important to anyone. That perhaps, he was destined to be alone for good. That no one could ever think him perfect as a partner.

 

And it made Jinyoung inspect himself, his emotions. Was it all a pang of nostalgia, to want things back to the easier times? Who was Mark to him? The Mark now was definitely different from the one before, so what pulled Jinyoung to Mark once again? The Mark that Jinyoung once placed so highly was in the past. Could Jinyoung accept the current situation, to accept for who he is in Mark’s eyes?

 

The present. Many things have changed, and of course they have. It had been years. There is no future in nostalgia, and it was time Jinyoung finally realised it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this and the next few chapters are probably gonna be around this length, and just 3-4 more before the end I guess? next chapter has Mark's POV


	5. part 5

Lying in bed, sun peering in through the blinds. Another day begins, but Mark is not ready to kick it off yet. He’s thankful that he does not have work scheduled for today, and for the respite. He was the furthest from being a morning person. At this moment, he is staring into the ceiling, one of the few mindless but favourite activities of his. Mark does not consider himself a deep thinker, but he does ponder every now and then. He has been called an enigma, someone hard to decipher, but Mark begs to differ. Instead, Mark is quite an open book, willing to divulge his inner states. You just need to pry it open, and be direct in asking him. Humans often go around in circles, not directing their intentions the right way, and it made for confusing interactions. Mark did not like being wishy washy.

 

Mark thinks back to his chats with Jinyoung the previous few nights, wondering about how he had reacted to the latter. A text from Jinyoung after work had brought him joy, easing his work tension. It was always kept light, free from deep conversations. After all, they had only reconnected recently, and maybe it was not the best time for Mark to be pushy. But if not soon, then when would they ever turn back the time in their relationship again?

 

Jinyoung was one of the few who could understand and appreciate Mark for his need for directness. Jinyoung always knew which buttons to press to make Mark open up, and yesterday was no different. Distant as they may have been in the past, their catch-up session put all that to rest.

Yet, why were there not more people like Jinyoung? The Jinyoung who could make even the hardest questions seemed so comfortable answering. The Jinyoung who knew exactly how to make a downtrodden Mark brighten up again. The one whom he could pour out everything to. Alas, it was just in the past. A past that he couldn’t let go of. It had been truly too long since Jinyoung was able to loosen him up, to press the right buttons.

After all, this was also the Jinyoung he felt rage, felt the tinge of betrayal. Puppy love comes and go, and when Mark was young, he had experimented, he had explored his options. The teenage years were one that he himself was not too sure, with countless doubts about his direction. Every time someone new came along, he would never fail to compare his state of relationship with how his relationship with Jinyoung was. Every flaw that failed in comparison with Jinyoung was magnified, and every quirk that he could not get used to was met with distaste. Even if they were much better than Jinyoung in any aspect, Mark would feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable that someone could be better than Jinyoung was, disliking it and dissociating himself. Because Jinyoung would have reacted differently from that person.

 

And perhaps, the answer was clear. Clear as to why relationships would fail, or why he could not open up that easily. Because for every new person he met, he felt that the sense of incompleteness in them, that he could find whole and complete in Jinyoung. The constant comparison made these relationships break down, and ultimately left both parties hurt. In the early years, when people would point it out, Mark would flatly shut them down. Enraged, that people would mention someone who had phased out of his life. Yet now, in this moment of introspection, Mark finally understands. The sinking feeling of betrayal that he had felt, had not gone away even after long. Instead, it was kept in a crevice in his chest, denying others of the opportunity to be let inside. The time had come for Mark to realise it, and he needed to, in order to move on with his life.

 

It was time to clear his mind of the hurt, the betrayal that he had always kept in him. Deep in him, he had always wanted Jinyoung. The years of exploration had always brought him back to Jinyoung, and it was just stubborn ole Mark that did not want to face the truth. He could not bear to see Jinyoung hurt, like that fateful day where he finally spoke more than 5 sentences to him again. Where it all restarted the affinity that was to be. Mark needed to get the cogs in his brain working once again, and when it did, he could truly see who he had always wanted. It was his time to grab the chance, to never let go again.

 

Grabbing his jacket, Mark headed out of his house, phone in hand. Mark sends a quick text to Jinyoung, informing him that he’ll be waiting on the same kerb waiting for him. The chilly wind would not get to him, and he just needed to make it clear to Jinyoung. After all the years of misunderstanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year! it's been a while since I updated, so here you go. it's more positive for this chapter, but yea something bad is looming I guess. there's a definite end to the story already also


	6. part 6

Seconds, minutes, and hours pass. Mark is still on the kerb waiting for Jinyoung. He shivers a little each time the wind blows, but he still persists, knowing that it's now or never with Jinyoung tonight. He peers at his phone one too many times again. The read receipts are on, but yet, no reply. Jinyoung's last seen status was a few hours ago, and there was no sign of him being online after that. Mark sends one message after another over the course of waiting, not because he’s desperate for a reply, but because he’s worried. That he hasn’t heard much from him since their previous chain of messaging. And because, Mark knows Jinyoung thinks a lot, too much for his own good at times.

 

In between the hours of waiting, Mark paces up and down the pathway. Still no sign of Jinyoung. He makes a call, and then more messages, hoping that Jinyoung is all fine.

The time now is 1:31am. Mark decides that there’s no point waiting outside anymore. He drags his numb feet inside his house, feeling the pins and needles aftermath of his long moments of sitting. He hobbles over in a bid to work the blood flow out and keep himself warm. Placing himself in front of the window, Mark has a view into the pavement that Jinyoung has to pass by before reaching home. He reads a book, insistent on not sleeping before Jinyoung arrives. How long more does he have to wait, Mark does not know. All he wants now is to quell his doubts, to keep his beating heart still. It isn’t long before he lulls into dreamland, head buried in his book.

 

The wee hours of the morning arrive. Mark is awoken by the sounds of someone fumbling over, the sound of trash cans being kicked around. He looks out, a familiar figure is standing outside, seemingly having difficulties getting to his destination. Mark instinctively knows. He groggily ambles out, coming face to face with the person he had been waiting for, Jinyoung.

 

Jinyoung lifts his head up to face the person blocking his path, but makes no attempt to converse in his drunken state. He just gives off a burst of air, changing his course of direction amidst his difficulty in walking. Tripping over, Jinyoung almost falls, if not for an instinctive grab by Mark.

 

“Get off me,” Jinyoung exclaims. Mark stands put, still holding on to Jinyoung.

“I said get off, why can’t you just let go?” Jinyoung repeats himself, but to no changes.

“You’re drunk, and not thinking right. Come, let me get you home without causing more disturbance,” Mark calmly explains.

“I can do it on my own, I don’t need you here. Actually, I don’t even need your presence at all. Just fuck off, Mark.”

 

“No, I can’t.”

 

“Just go away. I’ve had a rough night, and I don’t need another person to rile me up,” snaps Jinyoung.

 

 “What do you mean by that? Jinyoung, we need to talk. I’ve been waiting for you the entire night, thinking over and over again. Today, yesterday, every day. And I think it’s time to make this clear to you. Everytime I see myself and my failed relationships, my inadequacy, I think back. What had been missing and why did I feel miserable after so long? And then it slowly struck me. It’s you. You, who had been by my side from young. You, whom I had always depended on. And you, whom I constantly compared to everyone. The you that I missed ever since.”

 

Jinyoung stares in his less than conscious state, trying to absorb in what he just heard. But no, he was not here for a confession plea. Not now, not in this state definitely. And in his drunken stupor, Jinyoung has a hard time containing himself. He seethes. Words come out of his mouth without a filter, without thought.

 

“And so? What makes you think this is a good idea to tell me now? After all these years, I’ve been boring holes through your skull, trying to get a glimpse of your attention. But you’ve just tried to maintain this cold war. So now you feel that you’re lonely and can’t seem to find anyone else, you think I’m your next best option?”

 

The floodgates open, tears slowing streaking down.

 

“I’m not here at your disposal just because you feel the need to settle. Yes, I’m happy that you’ve finally took notice of me once again. But really, what rights do you have to play this see-saw with my feelings. This warmth you’re treating me is definitely working its way into me, but what happens when you lose interest or find someone better? I’ll just be like the ball in the middle of a pendulum swing, subject to your constant swaying. And one day, it will shatter from the pressure you constantly build in me, from the hot and cold you puff in me. I’ll lay there smashed, but you’ll be fine, because you can still continue your oscillation without me.”

 

Mark is not believing the words that comes out of Jinyoung’s mouth. Each sentence striking like a dagger into him.

 

“So please, let me be my own person. Let me build myself without your influence, your draw on me.”

 

Jinyoung walks away, Mark watching. Mark is unable to comprehend the magnitude of the exchange. What just happened, was it just a nightmare? Did he imagine it? Mark, left helpless and out in the cold morning, trembling. And not just because of the temperature. Mark crumbles within the comforts of his blanket, seeking warmth in the storm currently brewing in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been a while! here's part 6. 
> 
> the story's ending, and the next 2 are pretty short. so hope you enjoy and happy lunar new year to those celebrating~


	7. part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woof, it's been quite a while. the story's gonna end, so a short update here

Home, the safe place for Jinyoung. It was his cocoon, to be away from people, and simply indulge in wanted pursuits. Jinyoung’s safe haven, from where he was protected from drama. How he had wished the slender figure across his house would be there, to always give Jinyoung some form of assurance. That as much as he was living in a convoluted environment, there was always something so pure in his eyes. Someone that did not seem tainted by the vices of the world. He wanted Mark hyung, the one person that he wanted to depend on in times of uncertainty.

 

But no, he screwed it up with Mark now. The outburst that he had would probably have been a deal breaker in creating their relationship, much less their friendship that had just begun over again. Jinyoung knows he should not have reacted this way, but how else could he? Especially after his catch-up session with his university mates. Or rather the event that he got caught up in, trapped in the stifling rat race.

 

Being among his fellow students, was in simple words, toxic. How most of his peers felt the need to have constant spectacle in their lives. Nothing was ever so simple among the people he had met, where contentment was considered bland and mild. And Jinyoung had to be dragged into the ongoing whirlpool of chaos, because nobody could live their life simply. Or rather, nobody wanted to be that fly on the wall.

 

Not having a girlfriend meant that you were not into girls, as though that was something bad. Not attached to anyone? You’re probably someone boring, or you have flaws that people can’t stand.

_Or perhaps your expectations were too high, lower them_ , they said. _You’re gonna be left on the shelf and old_ , others chimed in. _Change yourself, then maybe people will start falling for you?_

 

Rejecting the offer to be matchmade meant that you did not trust your friends’ judgement.

_Come on Jinyoung, no harm making friends!_

 

Jinyoung never understood why people had to constantly impose their expectations and ideals onto others.

 

_What’s wrong with being single, what’s wrong with having my own ideals._

 

Where everything you did measured against someone else’s performance.

 

Jinyoung always wondered, couldn’t he be happily single, decidedly simple? Being free from all these things meant he had more time to engage in his pursuits, making time for meaningful conversations with people. Yet, his outlook was frowned upon, and Jinyoung was expected to shirk such mentality. To be honest, the conversations he was constantly engaged in with these “friends” were not the most stimulating ones. Just drawls on their self-entitlement, Jinyoung thinks.

 

All these constant reminders made Jinyoung feel less of a person, and he could not wait to get away from it all. Every single time he was with them. He was just glad that these “friends” were not aware of Mark, and how Mark would constantly oscillate in his thoughts. But yet, their words had always stung Jinyoung, made him feel insecure, that perhaps he had been thinking wishfully. And that’s how he drank, that’s how he felt the need to escape, to run away.

 

Which had then led to the incident with Mark.

 

Now cooped up in his room, Jinyoung mulls over once again. Being back in the walls of his home gave him respite. An armour against the poison of society. Perhaps clarity for him would come soon. Where was his knight, to saddle him into the sunset, out of the crushing forest?


	8. part 8

Tick tick tock. The clock continues to wind in the silence of Jinyoung's room. And this silence breeds contemplation.

 

Jinyoung considers the aftermath, and he realises he had been too stubborn. Too negative. Mark was here worried and concerned for him, but Jinyoung had thrown it away. Reflecting upon himself, that Jinyoung himself let the comments of others get to him. That he was now putting Mark to the standards that others had crafted. The Mark that Jinyoung knew was different from typical rat racers. Mark and Jinyoung had both placed each other on pedestals, and perhaps, that was why there was a tension. Jinyoung makes the call, reluctantly, but definitely needed.

 

Phone to his ear, Jinyoung prays for Mark to pick up, as the ringing continues. Click, an answer perhaps? Jinyoung hears stable breathing on the end, and begins his monologue.

 

“I am absolutely terrified of rejection. I crave, I pine, and I contemplate a lot. But then, I start to shrink. And I start running away. Why, you may ask? I think, because I have this constant fear that when everytime something good starts to happen, it will soon start to fall apart. I worry because it’s not something that I’m used to having or owning. I’ve never been able to feel at ease if I have a streak of happiness. Because, what have I done to deserve something this pure and good? I run, because I fear that it will all crumble down and I’ll have to start all over again. And that conclusion is far worse than me putting up my shields, my walls. At least this way, I’ll never hit the rock bottom. I guess?”

 

Mark takes it all in, giving time to chew upon it. The words spoken came like a flashbang, blinding Mark’s senses the moment Jinyoung called him on his mobile.

 

“But if you have never tried, how would you know it’ll fail? All you’ll be left is thinking about the ‘what ifs’ and all the infinite possibilities. Would that make you happy? Come old age, these regrets are perhaps what may be left of you. Why not give yourself the chance to try, to step out. And with me. Because we both know that we trust each other enough now. That with just us, we do not have the need to put up pretences. Please, Jinyoungie?”

 

The words, unpolished as they may be, brought out the earnestness of Mark’s emotions. His true intentions that Jinyoung once doubted, began dissipating. The feelings were always there, and while hard to express, it felt like now everything was falling into its rightful place.

 

“How do you always make me vulnerable and yet at ease with this vulnerability, hyung?” Jinyoung remarks.

 

_I never pegged you for someone to be that good with words, but here you are, making the most sense each time your mouth opens for me._

 

“Let’s just say you bring out the best in me?” the broken record laughter erupted out of Mark’s mouth. The pauses in his laughter should not have been a plus point, but it just did feel like home to Jinyoung.

 

“Alright. I’m willing to risk it, if you promise that I won’t have to endure the pain. That our relationship never be like how pendulum balls oscillate, but instead like self-winding watches. To us taking the first step finally.”

 

Jinyoung heaves.

 

“There’s no other way to say this without sounding shameless. But, can you come over now then? Pretty please?”

 

A click on Jinyoung’s receiving end, and in less than a minute, a doorbell ring. Jinyoung slides out to receive his guest, taking the milky, slender hands into his. Their first steps had begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok it's finally the end. I feel like I'm so bad at ending it but here it goes! thanks for bearing with me throughout, and yay to me finally getting out of the inertia to finish something that I started so long ago.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this piece for more than a year, and recently decided to give this a breath of fresh air and reopen it once again, in hopes that perhaps I might finish it. this is yet another semi-autobiographical piece with snippets of personal experiences phased in. it's not as polished as proper fiction, but I'm working on it and hopefully you'll enjoy


End file.
